


Snoring

by MrsHamill



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-05-17
Updated: 2001-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-11 00:04:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two lives told by snorking in the dark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snoring

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to be willing to take more chances with TS fic. This is different for me, again. Hope you enjoy it. Fox, of course, gets her usual thanks, for this wouldn't be the story it is without her. But this one is dedicated to my darling hubby, Mark (yes, Mark Hamill, if you want his autograph it's gonna cost you $20 and there's no refunds) because he inspired me on this one. All night long.

* * *

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Sandburg. Sandburg!" 

"Wha--? _Snerk_. Huh?" 

"Roll over. You're snoring." 

"Huh? _snerf_ Wha?" 

"You. Are. Snoring. Roll over. You're scaring the bears." 

"I don' snore. Whatchoo sayin'?" 

"Just roll over, Chief." 

"Uh. Uh. Um..." 

"Will you just go to sleep and stop tossing around?" 

"Gotta rock under me. Why'd you pick this spot anyway?" 

"Look, Sandburg, you can toddle on back to your leaky tent any time you want." 

"Oh yeah, thanks a lot, Jim. As if." 

"What are you doing? It's pouring down rain, Chief. You don't want to go back." 

"Not. You woke me up, now I gotta pee." 

"You open that tent flap and you're a dead man, Sandburg." 

"What, you want me to pee in here?" 

"Just... don't open it all the way." 

"Oh right. Sure. I should stick my dick out and nothing else? Man, you are SO anally weird." 

"I *don't* want the sleeping bags damp. You know how much a wet sleeping bag weighs?" 

"If you hadn't insisted on hiking three-quarters of a day to your 'perfect fishing spot' you wouldn't have to worry about it." 

"You'll be talking from the other side of your mouth in the morning, once you get a gander at those five pound brown trout." 

"Uh-huh. Ahhh..." 

"Jesus, Sandburg, get in here." 

"What? Jealous that I don't have to leave the tent?" 

"Just go to sleep. Dawn is only in a couple hours. And quit snoring." 

"I do NOT snore." 

"Whatever." 

* * *

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Jim. Jim. C'mon, Jim, wake up." 

"Huh? Nah. Notasleep. Jus' restin' my eyes." 

"Yeah, for thirty minutes, a pound of drool and a window rattling snore." 

"Uhg. Umm... Sandburg, you are full of it. Has not been... what's on? Where's the game?" 

"Jim, the game ended twenty minutes ago, while you were using my shoulder \-- covered with MY flannel -- as a drool bib. And snoring. 

"I don't snore. 'Sides, I've got a cold." 

"You do too, and I know you have a cold, and if you'd let me give you some..." 

"No way, Chief, I'd sooner die of terminal rhinitis." 

"All right fine. Whatever. Just go back to sleep then and quit snoring. I wanna watch this." 

"It's a rerun. And I *don't* snore." 

"Like you care. And you do and you were." 

"Then it's because of this lousy cold. Which, I might add, you gave to me." 

"God, Jim, give it a rest already. I didn't get sick, so I couldn't have given you this cold." 

"Typhoid Sandburg." 

"Oohhhhhh... You are SUCH an asshole. Jeesh. Uh...oof. Here. C'mon." 

"What?" 

"Put your head down and go back to sleep. I'll wake you up when this show is over and you can stagger on up to bed." 

"I'm not putting my head in your lap, Sandburg. And I'm not sleepy." 

"Sure you're not. And it wouldn't be in my lap. It'd be on a pillow in my lap, so you can safely drool away without soaking my jeans as well as my flannel. Come on, sweetums, let mama Blair take care of you." 

"Shithead." 

"Put your fucking head down, Ellison, and shut up. The good part is coming up, where Scully eats the bug." 

"Oh you are so gross. Rrgh. Fine." 

"Just don't snore." 

"I don't snore." 

"Do so." 

"Doo _aaaahhaaww_ not. Umph. Who won the game?" 

* * *

"Ah... kkk... ackkk..." 

"Shhh. Don't try to talk. Where's that water? Oh. Here. Sip slowly." 

" _Kack_ wha...?" 

"It's okay, Chief, it's okay. You're okay now, everything's going to be okay." 

"J -- Jim?" 

"Yeah, it's me, how you feeling, buddy?" 

"Wha... what happened? Where...?" 

"You're in the hospital. It was golden, Blair, the pizza was dosed with golden. Our cover got blown. God, I'm so sorry..." 

"Huh? Wha... shit my throat hurts..." 

"That's all your snoring." 

"Yeah, right." 

"No, you've had a tube down your throat for a while. Here. No, use the straw, it bends. The doctor should be here a few, I think. Careful, now." 

"Thanks, man. Um. Better. How long...?" 

"A few days. Shit. Blair, I'm so sorry..." 

"You already said that. For what?" 

"For... for getting you into this. You almost _died_..." 

"You dickhead. Quit it. It was my choice, Jim. It was hardly your fault that your cover got blown. Omigod... Did anyone... anyone else...?" 

"No. Just you. Um. Only you. _Ahem_. You were enough." 

"Huh? What?" 

"Nothing. Oh, here. I'll lift the bed." 

"Hey, can you see? Is your sight back Jim?" 

"Almost. Almost. Enough to wreck Simon's car." 

"Oh, no. Not again?! _Ack_. *Kah-uh*." 

"You need to quit talking. You just woke up for God's sake. I'm just... I'm just glad you DID wake up." 

"Hey. Hey. It's all right. Jim. I'm going to be fine. I'm too pissant to get killed, okay? I just... I just don't remember much after eating that damn pizza..." 

"Well... good. You were pretty out of it." 

"I mean, I remember weird dreams... something about shooting little glowing people. No, bats shooting little golden people. Weird." 

"Yeah, weird, Chief. You just rest." 

"Um... you're not going are you?" 

"Naw. I'll stay here for a while longer. Got nowhere else to be." 

* * *

"All I'm saying is you should maybe get it checked." 

"Chief, you are so full of it you float. I do NOT have sleep apnea or a deviated septum. I do NOT snore." 

"Jim. We've been on this stakeout for what, days now. I mean, nights. You've been sleeping during the day -- I've been trying to sleep during the day. Do you have any IDEA how sound reverberates in the loft? I can hear it clearly even in my room with the doors closed. I mean, we're not talking about genteel snorking here." 

"Snorking? _Snorking_?" 

"You know what I mean. I mean, I'm surprised the skylight hasn't fallen in on you. I mean, you rattle the doors. Jim, you SNORE." 

"Sandburg, get off it. I was in covert ops for chrissakes. Snoring is a good way to get you killed when you're sleeping in an enemy-filled jungle. I do not snore." 

"Covert ops, schmovert ops. I don't care. If you didn't used to snore, you do now. And it's loud, and it doesn't sound healthy. You should get it checked." 

"Over my dead body." 

"That can be arranged! Especially if I don't start getting more sleep!" 

"Fuck. Um. Rrrgh..." 

"What now... you got ants in your pants?" 

"I really snore?" 

"You really snore, Jim. Major league. Big time. Nine-five on the Richter scale. Bone..." 

"Okay, okay! I get it. _Ahhhahhh_. Simon's been bugging me to get another one of those damn physicals. I'll make an appointment next month and have them check it." 

"Next _month_?! No way, man. Tomorrow. Three o'clock. Dr. Phillipi's office. And Joel will cover the first hour of the stake-out for you." 

"Wha... You... You bastard." 

"Yeah, and what does that have to do with anything?" 

"You set me up." 

"Jim. I did NOT tell you to start snoring. But you have, and you need a physical, so you're going and getting your throat and septum checked." 

"When did you turn into my mother?" 

"About two years ago. Why?" 

"Grrrr.... Why I oughta..." 

"Hah. I am so scared. As if you would. Hey. Isn't that our guy?" 

"Holy shit. It is! Call it in. We're moving." 

* * *

"Chief. Blair. No no... It's okay. It's me. Are you awake now? Are you okay?" 

"God! Yeah. What... what's going on?" 

"You were, well, you were sounding pretty bad. Snoring and gasping. Then... well, I think it was a nightmare. I came down to wake you up." 

" _Huuuuuunnh_... Thanks, man. Yeah. I think it was a nightmare. I couldn't breathe... _ahuh_..." 

"Here's your tea, and it's time for the antibiotics anyway." 

"Oh, man, I hate those things. Horse pills." 

"I don't care, you're taking them. You never should have flown to Mexico after... I mean, your lungs..." 

"It's okay, Jim. I'll take the pills." 

"Um. Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure..." 

"I know. I'm okay now. The doctor said the chance of pneumonia is almost gone. Maybe he was right, and I should prop myself up more on pillows." 

"Yeah... that's a good idea. Keep the mucus down, out of your throat. Here's your pill and some water, I'll be right back." 

"I'm not going anywhere." 

"Damn right you're not." 

"What? I couldn't hear you." 

"Never mind. Here, Chief." 

"Huh...! Jeeze, Jim, I only need a couple. How many pillows do you _have_ up there?" 

"Well, I left one for me. I like pillows! Okay?" 

" _Ahuk_. Okay. Thanks, man. Oh, these are soft. You been holding out on me?" 

"Heh. You like those, huh?" 

"Yeahhh _aaaahhhhaan_... I think I can sleep now. What time is it, anyway?" 

"'Bout four. Go back to sleep, Blair. That's it. Snuggle down. Glad you like the pillows." 

"Yeah. _Ahhhhh_. They smell like you." 

* * *

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"What the hell..?" 

"Shh. It's Jim. Don't wake him up." 

"Don't... How on earth is he staying asleep through that?" 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Selective deafness. The snorER can't hear himself, while the snorEEs can't not hear him." 

"Jesus, Sandburg, you put up with this every night?" 

"Well, not every night. Only when he's over-tired. Like now. Like when he got back from that awful prison job." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Well, it has been a bit rough lately... Though not as bad as that..." 

"A bit rough? Simon. I think you could be a little less understated there." 

"Hey, it wasn't me chasing down perps half my age." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Well, that's why we needed this trip. Plus, it's my first official vacation with pay. _I_ needed it." 

"Yeah. You, uh, you haven't had much in the way of down-time since..." 

"Go ahead and say it, Simon. Since I declared myself a fraud and basically altered my entire life." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Well, that too." 

"Huh. Man, you are SO transparent." 

"Oh for... 'The signpost up ahead, you have entered'..." 

"Captain, are we on the time clock?" 

"No, Sandburg, we're not." 

"Then shush. Or rather, just ask me already. I know you're dying to." 

"Oh." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Well?" 

"Well what?" 

"Ahhh. Siiii-monnnn..." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"All right, all right. Are, um... are you two... are you..." 

"Sleeping together? Doing the nasty? Boinking like bunnies?" 

**"SANDB..."**

"Shhh. You'll wake Jim." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Nothing short of nuclear war will wake him." 

"Yes." 

"Uh?" 

"Yes. We are." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Well." 

"Yes. Well. Deep subject. Also very wet. And quit glaring at me." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"You drive me nuts, you know that?" 

"So you've told me. So, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?" 

"Do? Nothing. Why should I?" 

"Oh." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Heh. Sandburg speechless. I love it." 

"Rrrrrrrrrrrr.... Well then, WHY did you ask?" 

"Whoookkkssssppp...pah... Uh... Hey. You two wanna hold it down? You're scaring the fish." 

* * *

"Hey." 

"Hey yourself. Smells good." 

"Good. It'll be ready in about twenty. You get everything?" 

"Think so. Here." 

"Ah, lessee. Tom's Toothpaste... oh, good. I really hate that peppermint, it's too strong." 

"Me too. C'mere. Ummmmm..." 

"Ummmm... hold that thought till after dinner, okay?" 

"You got it." 

"Condoms, aspirin, lube -- good God. I didn't know they made it that size." 

"Family size, Chief. You know, we really ought to be getting that stuff at Costco." 

"Not on your life. Floss -- thank you for getting waxed this time -- and... Hey! What's this?" 

"You've seen those. They're little strips you put on your nose..." 

"I KNOW what they are. Why did YOU get them? I should be the one getting them..." 

"Chief. You're sounding like a wounded water buffalo at night. It can't be good for you." 

"That's YOU! Not me!" 

"No, it's you. Who's the Sentinel in this relationship? I'm telling you..." 

"You big jerk. I'm going to prove it to you, then you're going to wear one of these things on your MOUTH." 

"Yeah, yeah, in your dreams, Sandburg. I got time for a beer before dinner?" 

"Sure. Just hurry up." 

* * *

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Hah. There. Told you." 

"THAT is not ME." 

"It IS you." 

"How do I know it's not YOU?" 

"Who do you think turned on the tape recorder?" 

"Grrrrr..." 

"Dick." 

"Asshole." 

"Jerkface." 

"Get over here, you shithead. And turn that damn thing off." 

*Whoooonk--* 

* * *

"He's gonna be okay, Sandburg." 

"I know. I know. He wouldn't dare die on me. I'd kill him." 

"Blair. You need to go home, get some rest." 

"Can't. Can't. Not until -- not until I know he's -- until he wakes up." 

" _Ahhaaaaaah_. Okay. I'm going to get some coffee. You want some? Or maybe a sandwich?" 

"Sure. Whatever." 

"Back in a few." 

"You dumb schmuck. You big dumb meshuggeneh. Goddamn you, Ellison. You gotta stop doing this to me. We're not young men anymore. A couple of millimeters either way, you would have _died_. You would have lost your _eye_. Or been brain damaged. So you better wake up -- like now \-- and tell me to get the hell home and take a shower, because I stink. You hear me, Ellison?" 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Omigod. Please do that again. I know your nose was badly broken, but..." 

*Whoooonkoozzzzzz....* 

"Jim? Jim? Man, lover, jackass... please... please wake up. Please." 

"Ch-ch-chief?" 

"Oh, God, thank you. Damn, which button is... Okay. Jim. You okay?" 

"Wha? Wha hap-ped?" 

"You broke a wall and window with your face, asshole, that's what happened, _snerf_ , and nearly got yourself killed." 

"Don' rebember." 

"You've been out for a few days. Just rest. I called the nurse and the doctor should be here soon." 

"B'air?" 

"Yeah, babe?" 

"Lub you. Shorry." 

"I lub you doo, you big jerk. Now dial down the pain, and we'll see about getting you out of here finally." 

* * *

*Excerpt from the book "Healthy Love, Healthy Relationships" by Darryl S. Banks, Jr., M.D., LCSW, Ph.D.; St. Martin's Press, June, 2057* 

...such as the couple I've mentioned before, well known to me, involved in a stable, loving relationship for nearly forty years. I visited the survivor of the two -- who lived for nearly a year after losing his partner to natural causes -- shortly before his death at the assisted living facility in which he lived. On the table next to his bed was an old-fashioned cassette tape player, scarred and pitted with age, and I asked him about it. With some embarrassment, he told me that years before, he had taped his partner's snoring in order to prove that the partner did, in fact, snore. Now that his partner was gone, he found it difficult to fall asleep until he played the tape. This shows... 

end


End file.
